Scrubbing toilets, removing rust, and cleaning car battery terminals- in addition to perking up your Azaleas- are only a few of the many non-conventional uses to which Coca-Cola can be employed. However, the bike-related applications (excepting shoddy repairwork and malicious pranks) of the ‘great national temperance beverage’ have always been a bit flat.
This is by way of saying, that unassumingly squirrelled away in the back of the Brooks catalogue is an equally versatile yet substantially less sugary, and (perhaps unfairly) lesser known product that has been used for just as long as ‘Ice cold sunshine’ in all manner of wonderful, interesting and novel ways.
We’re referring here, of course, to Brooks Proofide, an unguent of arguably near-magical properties when it comes to the maintenance of leather saddles.
Everyone knows about Proofide, don’t they? Let’s just say “yes”. But what does everyone NOT know about Proofide? So without further delay, it’s..
„John Boultbee Brooks’ Top Ten Non-Patented Proofide Purposes“
(To assist application, please examine the links.)
1. Unashamedly promote your bygone projects.
Slather it on your Brooks x Vans collaboration.
Okay, that was just for starters.
2. Assist your fashion photography.
Photograph young men in suits carrying „locked cog“ bicycles on their shoulders. Apply Proofide slatheringly between top and seat tube. Prevents chafing of notoriously tender male-model skin.
(Another old insider trick is slathering Proofide on the camera lens to create the illusion of glaring sun on cloudy „shoot“ days.)
3. Live your dreams.
When these gentlemen aren’t graduating at the top of their classes, they and others of like “mind“ are slathering Proofide on garage floors and letting intelligent hilarity ensue.
4. Beat doping controls.
Containing, as it does, trace elements of bovine testosterone in its list of ingredients, Proofide has not infrequently saved the occasional rule-infractor from considerable embarrassment, and here’s how:
When you are asked how all that bovine testosterone got in there, pseudo-bashfully allude to your ongoing adjacency to a saddle beslathered with Proofide, and let the adjudicators’ imagination do the rest. Of course, you need to be riding a Brooks for this to be remotely plausible.
5. Groom you moustache.
Fiddlesticks! You’re tooling at a solid 12 on your Penny Farthing to the local Tweed-themed bicycle event when you realise you’ve forgotten to wax your facial hair!
You fool! Trinny, Hugo, Bethany, Alisdair and the rest of the gang can be so unintentionally cutting with their witty remarks about sagging moustaches…
Got Proofide? Get slathering!
6. Cure sick parts.
Slather the sick parts you have sourced for your build with half a tin of Proofide per part, and send them straight to bed.
They should be feeling better in no time.
7. Cook quail’s eggs.
When your Proofide is almost completely used up, you will find yourself in the perfect position to fry quail’s eggs. The tin functions as a ready-made pan, and the small amount of remaining Proofide heated correctly over a gas flame is low in cholestorol and devoid of trans fats. Slather-icious.
8. Protect your hearing from ‘bike-art’ conversations.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? At a bike-art exhibition, serenely attempting to become one with a particularly captivating piece, when some moron materializes beside you, loudly misinterpreting the artist’s motivation and/or execution. The ruination of your gallery day out looms. But wait! Simply scoop out two plugs of Proofide and slather in the general area of your earholes. Hey Presto! No more bike-art guff!
9. Save the Herne Hill Velodrome.
If everybody who has a tin of Proofide were to take it to Herne Hill Velodrome and slather its contents about a bit, this would eventually render the whole area too slippery for bulldozers to carry out any bulldozing work.
Feel free to share with the world your own alternative employment is our comments section.
Kind thanks to Ted from the Tweed Run for the amusing links…